Dear Josephine,
It appears Neko Case has peered into my soul. Walking to work, her lyrics flash through my mind: "Thought I was young, now I've freezing hands and bloodless viens, as numb as I've become, I'm so tired."
The above quotation, coupled with the first stanza of Stephen Dunn's poem "A Chance for the Soul" accurately reflects how I've been feeling:
"Am I leading the life that my soul,
Mortal or not, wants me to lead is a question
That seems at least as meaningful as the question
Am I leading the life I want to live
Given the vagueness of the pronoun "I,"
The number of things it wants at any moment."
I've been trying to define my lack of motivation, coming up only with the words "disheartened" and "disillusioned", which serve a dramatic purpose but do not apply to the cloud that seems to have positioned itself in front of my body. Look, mother, an automaton. Look mother, albaster and mutilated statues.
Now, thanks to Neko Case and S. Dunn, I've managed to explain this fever as a blinding numbness I'm both striving to analyze and reveal. There is no concealing this unhappiness, the door began to crack upon entering, splinters wait for bare heels. No, do not fetch more wood, I have no need for pilings. No, do not mend this door with spackle and sweat, the scars are there for the seeing.
Only: decide what one is doing. Life is always a staying and a going.
l.c.
p.s. Sometimes I pray for tears.
Showing posts with label whine. Show all posts
Showing posts with label whine. Show all posts
Monday, August 25, 2008
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Letter 19
Dear Josephine,
I was unable to decipher your voicemail message from the chatter in the background, or perhaps the disapproval I heard edging into your voice, and voted against returning your call. Please accept this letter as my sincerest apologies in not writing to you for nearly two months.
I've been to Ohio to D.C. and back again, and am happy to finally be home for one week as I've missed my bed and that element of stability (shocking I know). Lately life has been very stressful at work and at home, and I'm trying to go day-by-day, which is proving to be easier than I thought. I pegged myself a planner as I've been writing "to do" lists since the age of 5, but I think I've mellowed in the recent months.
I've stopped my frantic search for rusty terrains and have devoted myself to groundings and morning walks and d.c. humidity. I'm sure the terrains will once again dominate my dreams, but for now I am content to walk this same path. Everything looks better and its only been a year since this journey has begun. How can so much change in 12 months?
I won an award at work and really want to splurge on this cute dress:
(see the july 23 post)
Instead I'm putting it towards my credit card bill, which appears to refuse to remotely topple. It's frustrating.
I like this advice: "Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
I really want to tell you more but I am exhausted and need to sleep. Tomorrow has promises for being a long day.
Love to you,
l.c.
I was unable to decipher your voicemail message from the chatter in the background, or perhaps the disapproval I heard edging into your voice, and voted against returning your call. Please accept this letter as my sincerest apologies in not writing to you for nearly two months.
I've been to Ohio to D.C. and back again, and am happy to finally be home for one week as I've missed my bed and that element of stability (shocking I know). Lately life has been very stressful at work and at home, and I'm trying to go day-by-day, which is proving to be easier than I thought. I pegged myself a planner as I've been writing "to do" lists since the age of 5, but I think I've mellowed in the recent months.
I've stopped my frantic search for rusty terrains and have devoted myself to groundings and morning walks and d.c. humidity. I'm sure the terrains will once again dominate my dreams, but for now I am content to walk this same path. Everything looks better and its only been a year since this journey has begun. How can so much change in 12 months?
I won an award at work and really want to splurge on this cute dress:
(see the july 23 post)
Instead I'm putting it towards my credit card bill, which appears to refuse to remotely topple. It's frustrating.
I like this advice: "Sometimes you put walls up not to keep people out, but to see who cares enough to break them down.”
I really want to tell you more but I am exhausted and need to sleep. Tomorrow has promises for being a long day.
Love to you,
l.c.
Sunday, April 6, 2008
Letter 9
Dear Josephine,
Reading On the Road is causing me to become an emotional train wreck. In addition, it's causing me to hoard all of my money and live off of yogurt, fruit, pizza, and honey/tea. Why? Because, I'm trying to save money to pay off my credit card bill. These are the ties that bind. I'm desperately seeking other terrains -- this summer I'm going on a road trip to quell this wanderlust/hunger that's driving me crazy.
Do not: mention sands, mountains, rivers, or valleys; sing to me, "do not hasten to bid me adieu"; draw maps and lines that intersect like highways and byways; radios and heat and higher altitudes. Do: whisper Washingtonian summers, dance parties, and metro rails. It's always on my mind.
I need to learn how to drive a manual. I am going to have to find someone to teach me. I need to learn patience. I also need a second job.
Damn finances.
This letter is cynical. I wish you days full of confetti, as I associate those strips of garbage with celebratory evenings and noteworthy success stories.
And yes, I do appreciate your constant support.
always,
l.c.
Reading On the Road is causing me to become an emotional train wreck. In addition, it's causing me to hoard all of my money and live off of yogurt, fruit, pizza, and honey/tea. Why? Because, I'm trying to save money to pay off my credit card bill. These are the ties that bind. I'm desperately seeking other terrains -- this summer I'm going on a road trip to quell this wanderlust/hunger that's driving me crazy.
Do not: mention sands, mountains, rivers, or valleys; sing to me, "do not hasten to bid me adieu"; draw maps and lines that intersect like highways and byways; radios and heat and higher altitudes. Do: whisper Washingtonian summers, dance parties, and metro rails. It's always on my mind.
I need to learn how to drive a manual. I am going to have to find someone to teach me. I need to learn patience. I also need a second job.
Damn finances.
This letter is cynical. I wish you days full of confetti, as I associate those strips of garbage with celebratory evenings and noteworthy success stories.
And yes, I do appreciate your constant support.
always,
l.c.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
Letter 6
Dear Josephine,
I have to admit - I've been pretty exhausted lately. Black half moons have appeared under my eyes and have taken permanent residence. To combat this unwelcome stay I decided to revolutionize my diet. I've already been getting the now-required 10 hours of sleep per evening, so when I took a "health assessment" quiz I wasn't shocked to read the findings:
a. daily intake of fruit - poor
b. daily intake of veggies - poor
c. alcohol intake - moderate
(everything else, dear Josephine, was fine)
I've already given up c. I realized I was drinking to excess every time beer/liquor/wine touched my lips and my young body does not need that kind of battering. I'm giving up alcohol until I can re-realize my limits, understand my body, feel rejuvenated, and not drink to get trashed.
In response to a and b, this morning I went grocery shopping and bought loads of fruit, veggies, nuts, hummus, and yogurt. I'm going home this evening and throwing out all foods with loads of transfat. I'm actually eating breakfast. I'm taking iron supplements. I know it sounds cheesy to say, but I think change is a brewin'.
Which leads me to topic two. I think it's really a slap-in-the-face when corporate America forces their youngest employees to pay for their groceries by using their credit cards. I mean, don't get me wrong - I have a good job with a decent starting pay, but it's not enough to sustain my standard of living (which I tell you, is not high). Frankly, I wanted to cry today at Trader Joes (which has good cheap produce) when I had to pull out my credit card in order to nourish my body. Yes, I am being dramatic.
I just don't understand how strips of crane paper and cloth can cause so many restless nights. It's caused me to realize that these non-profit jobs my friends tend to gravitate towards that offer mid-twenty salaries are not feasible options (especially when one is living in the city). I think there needs to be a shift in salaries so that starting pay for corporate/non-profit jobs accurately reflect 1.5 times the standard of living as stipulated by the surrounding location. At least 1.5 as let's face it - at least half of all Americans are in some sort-of debt.
To conclude: it does not surprise me that 45% of all American currency produced is the one-dollar bill, nor that it is the most popular "rag" used. Should I be content to know that we haven't started making 50 cent bills?
In response to your question, no I hadn't considered that stance. Let me reflect on it a while longer; I will respond shortly.
Finally, I know there has been literature published on the direct correlation of salary and nutrition, and salary and standard of living (take Nickel and Dimed for example), I just wonder when more people are going to take note.
truly,
l.c.
I have to admit - I've been pretty exhausted lately. Black half moons have appeared under my eyes and have taken permanent residence. To combat this unwelcome stay I decided to revolutionize my diet. I've already been getting the now-required 10 hours of sleep per evening, so when I took a "health assessment" quiz I wasn't shocked to read the findings:
a. daily intake of fruit - poor
b. daily intake of veggies - poor
c. alcohol intake - moderate
(everything else, dear Josephine, was fine)
I've already given up c. I realized I was drinking to excess every time beer/liquor/wine touched my lips and my young body does not need that kind of battering. I'm giving up alcohol until I can re-realize my limits, understand my body, feel rejuvenated, and not drink to get trashed.
In response to a and b, this morning I went grocery shopping and bought loads of fruit, veggies, nuts, hummus, and yogurt. I'm going home this evening and throwing out all foods with loads of transfat. I'm actually eating breakfast. I'm taking iron supplements. I know it sounds cheesy to say, but I think change is a brewin'.
Which leads me to topic two. I think it's really a slap-in-the-face when corporate America forces their youngest employees to pay for their groceries by using their credit cards. I mean, don't get me wrong - I have a good job with a decent starting pay, but it's not enough to sustain my standard of living (which I tell you, is not high). Frankly, I wanted to cry today at Trader Joes (which has good cheap produce) when I had to pull out my credit card in order to nourish my body. Yes, I am being dramatic.
I just don't understand how strips of crane paper and cloth can cause so many restless nights. It's caused me to realize that these non-profit jobs my friends tend to gravitate towards that offer mid-twenty salaries are not feasible options (especially when one is living in the city). I think there needs to be a shift in salaries so that starting pay for corporate/non-profit jobs accurately reflect 1.5 times the standard of living as stipulated by the surrounding location. At least 1.5 as let's face it - at least half of all Americans are in some sort-of debt.
To conclude: it does not surprise me that 45% of all American currency produced is the one-dollar bill, nor that it is the most popular "rag" used. Should I be content to know that we haven't started making 50 cent bills?
In response to your question, no I hadn't considered that stance. Let me reflect on it a while longer; I will respond shortly.
Finally, I know there has been literature published on the direct correlation of salary and nutrition, and salary and standard of living (take Nickel and Dimed for example), I just wonder when more people are going to take note.
truly,
l.c.
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